you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
