Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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