mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
