Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
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He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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