If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
