Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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