God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
