she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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