yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
