look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
