i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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