we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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