i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
