I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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