I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?