so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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