Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
