Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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