Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
