Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
