Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
