I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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