at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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