Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
two words...techno handjob
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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