i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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