can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Everclear isn't food dammit
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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