New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
