i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
