I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
