and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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