in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
