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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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