i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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