im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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