I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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