You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
