this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
