Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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