Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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