how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
