i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
