How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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