I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
