i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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