yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize