I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
