Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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