Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
