I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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