I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
