I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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