So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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