Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
