i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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