im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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