At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
