you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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