haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
